If you didn’t work your vibrator to its very last shimmy in 2020, we are not the same types of people. Honestly, if 2020 gave us any gifts, it was the gift of knowing that we are capable of (and deserve) the best orgasms we can get at all times. Not all vibrators are built the same, and let’s be real: You don’t know how good it all can be until you drop some serious cointata on a high-quality vibe. I learned this lesson early when I spent some money on college on a $150 vibrator (and yes, I told everyone) that wound up lasting me for 5 years, two moves, and three boyfriends. It was one of the longest relationships I’ve had in my life, and the day she buzzed her last vibe was a national tragedy.
So of course, for National Orgasm Day — which happens to be today, July 20 — I’m putting in the hard work for those who may be on the lookout for a replacement vibe, or even just for anyone who wants to see what the greener pastures are out there. And this isn’t just for the single folk in the land — if you’re in a relationship, there are plenty of options for you here, too. Because I plan to run for president on the Sex Party platform in 2044, and honestly, I need your support too, and hopefully this article will show you I know exactly what I’m talking about.
Best Suction Vibrator:
I’m not sure who existed first, the Britney Spears song or Womanizer the company, but I am obsessed with this suction vibrator. It works to massage the clitoris with 12 different intensity levels, and for the laziest of all of us (pillow princesses, unite!) the vibrator also has the “Autopilot” feature, which basically does the work for you by varying the intensity levels at random, without you having to do a single bit of work. Oh, and you’ll love the Smart Silence™ Technology, which means the vibrator only vibrates when it comes in contact with your skin and is in standby mode otherwise, guaranteeing a nearly silent interaction – at least from the vibrator.
Best Wand Vibrator:
I recently learned one of my friends is was still using a wand vibrator that plugged into the wall. It’s not 1997, y’all — most vibrators are rechargeable now, and if you’re stealing batteries from your TV remote, please just… please buy this wand vibrator and join us in the 20th century. You deserve so much more.
Best Bullet Vibrator:
Yes, sometimes it can be fun to have a nice, wieldy vibrator that feels… powerful, and sometimes you’re going on the road or you don’t have drawer space to hide it away. This vibrator may be small, but it’s powerful as hell. It’s quiet, discreet, and even better: Waterproof. It’s nearly designed for using on the road, or in the shower, or really, wherever suits you best.
Best 2-In-1 Vibrator
Did I buy this vibrator because Nicole Byer offered to buy one for every member of her live audience during an episode of her podcast? Yes, yes I did. But this is the vibrator that famously made one reviewer pass out after a session and the hype… The hype is real, and it lives up to it in every single way. Much like Nicole Byer, you’ll want everyone in your life to have one. Pro Tip: Try adding a dab of CBD lubricant or stimulating oil, like Her Highness NYC’s Pleasure Oil, on both ends, and thank me later.
Best G-Spot Vibrator:
To quote Monique Heart talking about Naomi Smalls in the opener of RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars season 4, “she’s flexible!” This skinny minnie vibrator has 10 speeds and patterns and is designed to be used for G-Spot, clitoral, or overall external stimulation, and because not all bodies are built alike, you can bend it to fit your needs. What a fun, sexy time for you!
Best Couples Vibrator:
No! This is not a torture device! Unless that’s something you’re into, in which, maybe it’s not for you, because this is meant for people who have penises and their sexual partners getting their best lives. The point of this wearable vibe is to get erect and stay erect — it’s flexible around the penis, and the powerful vibrations ensure performance anxiety is a thought of the past.
Best Remote Control Vibrator:
For those in long-distance relationships — and yes, long-distance can even count the distance from the bedroom to the kitchen — this Bluetooth-enabled is unlike anything you’ve seen or tried before. Bluetooth-enabled vibrators are great for couples looking to get a little adventurous. You can set to go with your favorite music, create your own custom vibrator patterns, and just create something exclusively for the two of you.