Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton (Photo: Kit Karzen/Netflix)

Paris Hilton has made a “cooking” show for Netflix. Those quotation marks aren’t mine; that’s how Netflix itself characterizes Cooking With Paris. The show’s synopsis? “Paris Hilton can cook…kind of.” The trailer for the series is out this week, and in it we see the infamous heiress, model and reality TV star let loose in the kitchen, attempting to grill hamburgers, whip up parfaits and roast some recently departed bird while wearing what we have to assume are its own feathers.

But I am convinced that Cooking With Paris is no mere tongue-in-cheek take on the likes of Nigella and Giada and Ina. With this deceptively upbeat preview, I believe the streamer is stealthily introducing us to its latest, greatest thriller.

Inspired by a video of Hilton making lasagna that she posted last year, which then went viral, Cooking With Paris lures you in with its glamorous, girly vibe and the promise of culinary shenanigans. But it soon becomes clear that you’re in for a pulse-racing, heart-stopping ride. The moment Paris picks up a knife the anxiety sets in. How long before blood is shed? How will our heroine avoid severing one of her own fingers? Attempting to make French fries, she gazes into a bubbling vat of oil and it seems impossible that she’ll make it through this series without being permanently disfigured.

And it’s not just Paris we have to worry about! The lives and limbs of Demi Lovato, Nikki Glaser and Kim Kardashian are all in jeopardy as well. There are bejeweled spatulas that begin to decompose as Paris tries to flip those burgers. Her marabou frocks shed into her dishes. We see a clip of Lovato coughing and fear that a PA won’t be able to Heimlich the rhinestone or synthetic feather out of them in time! And even if you escape Paris’s kitchen with your life, how long before you succumb to salmonella or trichinosis?

One thing is for sure: when Cooking With Paris premieres on August 4, it won’t be for the faint of heart!