Good afternoon. If you’ve been on Twitter at any point in the last few hours, you may already know that Adam Driver, one of our most celebrated and widest living American actors, has turned into a centaur. The bizarre metamorphosis from film star into mythical creature was revealed in a leaked ad for Burberry’s new men’s fragrance, Hero. The spot features an initially bipedal Driver racing across the shore at sunset, then frolicking in the waves with an equine pal as FKA Twigs’s moody, ethereal “Two Weeks” plays.
Who knows what actor and horse got up to in the loving embrace of those waters, but it sure seems to have been…sensual. Also, magical! Transformational, even: the image of Driver swimming in the blue depths fades to a shot of him once again on the shore, silhouetted against the gold of the setting sun, standing not on two human legs, but on four horse ones!
Twitter, of course, reacted appropriately, expressing Adam Driver thirst the likes of which has not been seen in…well, a few months, actually. But, once again, we find ourselves considering another male celebrity reinvention and asking ourselves: is it sexy? Is centaur Adam Driver actually sexy?
NEW Burberry Hero ad feat. Adam Driver! *I quench that thirst* 🎶 pic.twitter.com/yy7cDx6jQK
— The Adam Driver Files (@AdamDriverFiles) July 27, 2021
In a word: yes. Yes, centaur Adam Driver is empirically sexy. But we may as well unpack this.
First: Adam Driver. The actor’s sex appeal is arguably a divisive subject. On the one hand, he’s big and brawny. The man is the size of a house, and has a tendency to walk around without much in the way of clothing on. (We have Lena Dunham, primarily, to thank for this, if nothing else.) He also seems, generally, to possess the stoic, reserved demeanor of an old school man’s-man. Like, f*ck the gender binary, but also there is just something about a tall drink of water who has never so much as questioned his right to exist in any given space.
Now, Driver skeptics will probably site his kinda goofy face and prominent ears. But if you ask me, his too wide mouth speaks to sensuality. Sure, he has kind of a big pointy schnoz, and catch him at a bad angle and he looks genuinely strange! But that’s all part of his charm! Like how he also seems to have an adorably weird, boyish side—again, thinking primarily of his performance on Girls here—the softens his alpha poise.
Of course, any and all doubts about Driver’s sexiness are just moot when you put him next to a horse. Because horses are just sexy. How do I explain this without making it weird? Horses are just these big, majestic, proud animals. Like Driver, they’re a wall of muscle and wild, primal strength. They’re, well, heroic! They’re what people come to save you on! And, well, you put one next to a big, muscly, shirtless dude and…you get what the implication is. I’m not going to spell it out for you. I mean, there’s a reason why hot dudes are called stallions. Also, have you ever seen Equus? Or Reflections in a Golden Eye?
And so, to our final image of these two symbols of strength and masculine sensuality combined. In ancient Greek mythology, centaurs were represented as both wild, untamed creatures and wise teachers. But Burberry’s version speaks more to the eroticism inherent in being rescued. The fragrance they’re selling us is called Hero, after all, and isn’t desire bound up in hero worship? Isn’t part of the reason some of us are attracted to strength the fact that we long to be protected? Who needs a knight in shining armor when you’ve got centaur Adam Driver, sunlight gleaming on his golden flanks?