©Getty Images: Ippei Naoi
Being attracted to the “wrong person” is a tale as old as time, whether it’s someone off limits — a best friend’s brother or teacher, perhaps — or maybe it’s just someone we know will be bad for our wellbeing.
Sometimes, it’s the thrill — someone who’s a little dangerous can feel exciting. “Human beings don’t always gravitate towards what is objectively healthiest for us,” explains Dr. Carolyne Keenan, registered psychologist.
So why might we be attracted to the wrong types of romantic partners — and can we break the cycle?
Why might we be attracted to danger?
Being attracted to ‘bad boys’ is far from uncommon. “There can be something incredibly compelling about someone who feels exciting, unpredictable or slightly dangerous,” Dr. Keenan says.
This can be because some of the physical and emotional experiences we associate with attraction such as butterflies, anticipation and thinking about somebody constantly, can also come when we feel uncertain if someone feels dangerous or aloof. Research shows that uncertainty about whether someone likes us can increase how much we think about them, she explains. This, in turn, can make us feel more attracted to them.
She adds that there can also be something attractive about confidence, independence, spontaneity and rule-breaking. “Those aren’t inherently negative qualities. The difficulty comes when we package genuinely problematic behaviour: disrespect, unreliability or emotional unavailability, together with those qualities and romanticise the whole thing as the ‘bad boy’.
But not to worry too much as being exciting and emotionally safe aren’t opposites, she adds. “And a relationship doesn’t need to make you anxious in order to have chemistry.”
Why might we be attracted to someone “off limits”?
Ever had a crush on a teacher, a best friend’s sibling or a boss? This is normal too.
“Something being forbidden can add excitement, scarcity and fantasy to an attraction that might otherwise have remained fairly ordinary,” explains Dr. Keenan.
She explains that someone ‘off limits’ can come with obstacles to overcome which become part of the excitement. Dr. Keenan asks: “When a relationship has to overcome secrecy, disapproval or difficulty, it’s worth asking: if all the barriers disappeared tomorrow, would I still want this person as much?”
Why might we repeatedly fall for people who are “bad for us”?
Feel like you fall into the pattern of continuous relationships with people who are bad for you? Dr Keenan says this can happen due to familiarity. “Our previous experiences of closeness can influence what we expect from relationships and how we respond to intimacy, rejection and uncertainty,” she explains.
We don’t need to necessarily blame every questionable boyfriend on our childhood, but it can be worth noticing what feels familiar, she adds.
How can we break the cycle of going for the wrong people?
Dr. Keenan says to start off by noticing your patterns of attraction, rather than beating yourself up for it. “Look back at previous relationships and ask: What initially attracted me? What did I ignore early on? What kept me there when I wasn’t happy? What does attraction usually feel like in my body?”
In looking for your next partner, she advises separating chemistry from compatibility. “Chemistry tells you that you’re drawn to someone,” she says. “It doesn’t tell you whether they’re kind, emotionally available, trustworthy or capable of building the relationship you want.” Both is helpful to consider. If you’re used to unpredictability, a healthy relationship can initially feel a bit uneventful, she adds. This doesn’t mean dating someone you’re not attracted to but rather, giving yourself enough time to discover the difference between ‘there’s no spark’ and ‘I’m not experiencing the anxiety I’ve learned to associate with a spark.’
Importantly, you should also pay attention to behaviour rather than potential, she says. “Ask yourself: If absolutely nothing about this person changed, would I still choose this relationship a year from now?”
And finally, remember, as well as asking “do they want me?” also ask: “do I actually like who I am, and how I feel, when I’m with them?” This is vital to remembering your worth within a relationship.
