Chrissy Teigen has always been candid about her emotional state to her fans. Now, the 35-year-old models opened up in an Instagram post about her process of confronting the loss of her son . The lengthy Instagram caption accompanied a photo of her and husband John Legend having dinner in New York City, and reflected on the year she’s had since suffering such a loss.

Teigne recalled a time when situations in her life were “more simple.” She clarified her statement by not only including this past year in the reminiscing, but in her life as a whole. The cookbook author claims that she has been “feeling slightly down lately,” and that feeling came to revelation when she was writing a caption for her upcoming cookbook.

“I was thinking of my book caption and typed out ‘my third baby is here!!’,’ as in cookbook, then realized my third baby will never be here,” Teigen wrote on Instagram. “Then I realized I threw myself into the book to not think of the real, actual third baby.”

Last September, Teigen revealed that she had lost her third child, Jack, during pregnancy due to bleeding complications. She announced the pregnancy last August. Teigen and Legend share two other children, daughter Luna, 5, and son Miles, 3.

“We are shocked and in the kind of deep pain you only hear about, the kind of pain we’ve never felt before,” Teigen wrote when she lost her child. “We were never able to stop the bleeding and give our baby the fluids he needed, despite bags and bags of blood transfusions. It just wasn’t enough.”

Teigen also reflected on her sobriety in the Instagram post, saying that she hasn’t fully processed losing her son and not “hav[ing] the alcohol to numb it away” makes it hard to acknowledge certain feelings around grief and loss. Teigen announced her sobriety in December, citing Holly Whitaker’s book “Quit Like a Woman: The Radical Choice to Not Drink in a Culture Obsessed with Alcohol” as her inspiration.

“I guess what I’m saying here is life is so f**king complicated. wow this was a rollercoaster !!!!!” Teigen wrote.