Some of us will have our experiences with dead-end relationships. It’s obvious from the first few dates that things are going nowhere and it’s only a matter of time before things fizzle.
But what about when things are actually going really well and 10 years down the line, you find yourself confused. At what point do you consider you might be falling out of love?
“It’s important to recognise that no relationship reflects the consistent ‘high’ of the honeymoon period,” explains Steven Buchwald, MD of Manhattan Mental Health Counseling. We can’t be jumping into bed and ripping our clothes off at all times of day until the end of time.
So what are the key signs that something actually is up?
Affection feels friendly, not romantic
If affection no longer feels like that of a romantic partner — and could even come from a family member — this is a sign that something might be afoot.
Of course, like we say, less sex than in the early days is a natural occurrence. But Buchwald points out that what matters is whether things have developed into a “quieter romantic bond or whether your partner has stopped feeling like a romantic partner altogether.”
He suggests looking out for patterns: whether it’s not wanting to engage with any physical intimacy or feeling relief when it the option passes by.
You no longer care about your partner’s life
You may have heard about the bird theory, a test made popular on TikTok in recent years. Essentially, you tell your partner you saw a bird. If they seem interested and ask follow up questions then they’re a keeper. If they don’t seem to care then the relationship may be over.
While it is a little reductive, there is some truth in the theory.
“Romantic intimacy is fuelled by continuing to encounter your partner as a person, not an everyday fixture,” Buchwald says. This can mean wanting to tell your partner news before anyone else and asking questions about their stories.
A future without them sounds appealing — not sad
If you picture your partner running away to Timbuktoo and you feel relieved, it’s not a good sign but doesn’t mean the relationship is automatically doomed.
“Relief serves as useful information,” Buchwald says. “It can be easily read as the relationship feeling like an obligation, but this may not be the case.”
Think about what is causing these feelings — is it a mismatch of labour, unresolved conflict or simply no time to yourself? Or do you wish for things to be over completely?
Reconnecting feels like admin
Now, there’s nothing wrong with routined intimacy — a date night here and a romantic getaway there.
What you need to be wary of is if reconnection feels dread-inducing — or perhaps you feel relieved when plans with your partner are canceled.
Guilt is the only reason you stay
“Concern for your partner is evidence of empathy, but guilt cannot manufacture romantic love,” Buchwald says. This in itself is a form of dishonesty.
If you feel guilty for leaving, hoping they end things instead, start to think about whether you still want to be in the relationship.
Can you fall back in love?
Buchwald thinks that you can fall back in love sometimes. But first of all ask whether doing so is the right move for you.
“Ask yourself: Do I want to move towards this person? Do I want them to know me?” Buchwald says. “Am I interested in knowing who they are now? Am I willing to be emotionally honest and work on what created the distance? And are they willing to do the same?”
Think about whether you’re both willing to put the work in — this is just as important as feelings.
He suggests looking at patterns over the time, speaking honestly with your partner and seeking professional counselling if need be.
