By now, you’ve likely seen the viral story published on Medium by Domenica Feraud, The Movie Star And Me. In the piece, Feraud chronicles her time as an intern on a major musical production starring an A-list actor she claims pursued her romantically, before cooling their relationship once the musical wrapped. Feraud’s experience was textbook love-bombing – when a romantic partner relentlessly showers you with attention and adoration, before suddenly ending the relationship, leaving you wondering if any of it was real in the first place.
Of course, the piece isn’t simply a story of being love bombed. It’s about the effect of power imbalance on relationships, manipulation in the entertainment industry, exploitation of interns and young women in workplaces. But it’s the love bombing from this A-lister that kicks off the story – and it’s a dating experience many of us have gone through.
What Is Love Bombing?
In short, love bombing is when one person bombards the other with romantic gestures, words and plans. For example, you might be dating someone and they quickly seem to be falling for you. They tell you they’ve “never met anyone like you” and that “you’re the best thing that’s ever happened” to them. They make future plans for weekenders or big holidays months down the track. It’s very 0-100.
Often, a love bomber will quickly integrate their romantic partner into their life – meeting friends, parents and colleagues very early on in the relationship. All of this behaviour leads you to believe that there’s a future for you both, so you start to make yourself more vulnerable – you know, talking about your hopes and dreams, trusting in this person.
Then, right when you feel confident in where things are headed, the rug is pulled out from under you – the love bomber either ghosts you (disappears entirely) or slowly fizzles the relationship, leaving you feeling crazy. How did you not see it coming? Where did all those big feelings go?
Why Do People Love Bomb?
“Research tells us that people who love bomb tend to have more narcissistic traits, lower self-esteem, and are more likely to have avoidant or anxious attachment styles (or some combination of the two),” says clinical psychologist, Madeleine Begg. “The person does this, not because they care about you, but because it makes them feel good about themselves or because they think it makes them look good in the eyes of others (or both). This behaviour really isn’t about you at all.”
I honestly believe a lot of love bombing isn’t intentionally manipulative, although it definitely can be considered a form of abuse when it is used as a way to manipulate or control another. While Feraud’s story alleges that the A-list star had similar relationships with other young women, suggesting a more manipulative intention to his behaviour, the love bombing most of us have experienced is, I believe, simply a case of the love bomber not thinking before acting – or, as Begg says, simply just thinking about themselves.
We all get those rushes of love and affection for new people we’re dating. If you go on a few great dates, it’s natural to fantasise about a future with the person. The difference? Most of us keep these fantasies and feelings internalised, for the most part. We know that while right now we might be obsessed with our new love, in a few weeks we may get to know them better and realise they’re not right for us – and we don’t want to hurt them if we can help it. In those heady early days of romance, feelings are not reality. Love bombers, I believe, either don’t recognise this or don’t consider it at all.
“Someone who is love bombing isn’t really thinking about you – they’re thinking about getting their own needs met. The love bomber feels insecure, and because their sense of self is based on what others think of them, they seek validation, affirmation and reassurance from others,” explains Begg. So what you’ll find is that they say everything that’s on their mind. They make grand gestures and suggest future plans because they either genuinely, in that moment, want that – or they want the affirmation your response gives them. Their emotions might be pure, and they may mean everything they’re saying and doing. The problem is, those emotions are also fleeting and they’re expressing them from a place of insecurity.
“Eventually, they discover that you are inadequate in some way (so being with you no longer boosts their self-esteem), or they start to get bored with you, or you (understandably) start to expect emotional intimacy – which they’re not capable of. So they discard you and look for a new person to repeat the pattern,” says Begg.
How Can You Tell If Someone Is Love Bombing You?
Honestly? It’s really hard to discern what is love bombing and what isn’t. The problem with love bombing is that it looks exactly the same as genuine outpourings of affection, because that’s what it inherently is – except they’re outpourings that should probably be kept internal, at least at that point in time.
Of course, manipulative love bombing should always be considered. Do you feel dependent on this person? Do you feel like you’re stuck or being controlled in any way? If so, it’s worth consulting a professional psychologist and exiting that relationship. “Scan your body – what is it telling you? Trust your gut. Notice your emotions – is the excitement you’re feeling really anxiety about the pace at which things are moving, or at the prospect that they may reject you? Think about whether or not you feel able to be honest with this person, or say no to them,” says Begg
But unintentional love bombing can be difficult to discern. For example, you might fall into a whirlwind romance with someone and it lasts. That happened to me with my current relationship. Like with love bombing, my now-partner was incredibly transparent with his big feelings early on, but those feelings continued and we are now together.
So you can’t truly know for sure if you’re being love bombed or if you’re genuinely with someone who might one day be a big love, and just has no filter on their feelings. What you can do is protect yourself a little. Instead of taking every word someone you’re dating says to heart, take it with a grain of salt. By all means, enjoy the affection, just don’t trust it – yet.
Pump the brakes yourself, too. “It takes months to get to know whether someone might be a good long-term partner for you. Trust needs to be earned,” says Begg. Rather than running away with the emotions your significant other Is bringing to the relationship, pull things back. Maybe say no to that weekender if it feels a bit too soon, or hold off meeting their friends and family until you have some commitment from them, if that makes you feel more secure.
At the end of the day, we can’t have full security in any relationship – anything can happen, and feelings can change. But remaining level-headed can hopefully save you some heartache.
