You’re on the couch, deep into a phone game, while the person you love sits right next to you watching a TikTok video. Neither of you is talking. Neither of you is even glancing at the other. It looks like disconnection. It feels like you should probably feel guilty about it. But what if this quiet, side-by-side non-interaction is actually one of the healthiest things happening in your relationship right now? The answer is more nuanced than you might expect – and it starts with a concept borrowed from early childhood development.
Why a toddler behavior is showing up in your love life
The term “parallel play” is typically associated with young children. In developmental psychology, it describes two or more kids playing with different toys or activities separately while sitting physically side-by-side. For children, this behavior is an important milestone: it helps them develop motor skills, social skills, confidence, independence, and expression. It also teaches them that other people can have different perspectives and inner lives, and that this is perfectly fine.
So how does a toddler concept end up on your couch on a Tuesday night? Quite naturally, it turns out. When you scroll social media while your partner watches TV, you are engaging in the adult version of parallel play – a way to feel together even when you are having separate experiences. And according to mental health professionals, this dynamic comes up quite a bit in romantic relationships.
Hannah Owens, a licensed social worker with clinical experience in community mental health and the Mental Health Editor for Verywell Mind, has noted the relevance of this behavior for adult couples. Owens, who also serves as the Associate Editor for GROUP, the Eastern Group Psychotherapy Society’s academic journal, brings both clinical expertise and extensive experience in the therapy field to the topic. Since 2022, she has overseen the testing of 55 different online therapy services and 27 online therapy directories for both individuals and couples.
What doing your own thing, together, actually builds
A healthy dose of parallel play can signal something powerful between partners: comfort, trust, and security. At its core, this habit helps you practice a version of what experts call object permanence – trusting that your partner exists, loves you, and will still be there for you even when the two of you are not directly interacting. It communicates to your partner that you are confident in their love and care even when they are not paying direct attention to you, and vice versa.
That kind of security can greatly benefit a romantic relationship. It also frees both of you to enjoy activities that might not interest or appeal to the other person without feeling guilty or anxious. You trust that your partner can take care of themselves while you do something they don’t want to do, and they trust the same of you.
There’s another underrated perk: getting used to comfortable silence. Knowing that you don’t always need to be communicating, at least verbally, can leave you feeling more at ease in the relationship overall. In fact, parallel play can be indicative of a strong relationship because it practices secure attachment behaviors, meaning you and your partner feel connected even when you are not directly interacting. A secure attachment means you can have confidence in the strength of your relationship without needing constant reminders and reassurance.
For someone with an insecure attachment style – and especially an anxious attachment style – parallel play might initially feel frightening. People with anxious attachment are more likely to feel afraid or even panic when they are not receiving direct and constant signs that their partner is connected with them. But being able to trust a partner enough to let them go and feel confident they will always return is a key component of both parallel play and secure attachment. For these individuals, learning to sit comfortably in that space can actually be a meaningful step forward.
When too much side-by-side time becomes a red flag
Here is where we need to be honest with ourselves. There is such a thing as too much of a good thing, and parallel play is no exception. If you and your partner are only doing parallel play and never or hardly ever making time to actually do things together – meaning directly interacting with each other instead of doing something separately together – this can hurt the relationship.
Complacency creeps in quietly. You stop planning date nights. Physical intimacy together falls off. You no longer schedule interactive activities that require you both to be fully present, doing the same thing at the same time. Quality time, defined as doing something together while giving each other your full attention, fades. And that loss is harmful.
Our electronics make this slide especially easy. It doesn’t take much to get completely suckered into doomscrolling or lost on Instagram or TikTok for hours on end. This kind of parallel play, and this much of it, isn’t great for a relationship. It’s also worth noting that the things you choose to do together should be activities you both genuinely enjoy. Doing things together out of duty or obligation may result in resentment instead of closeness and connection.
The bottom line
Parallel play in a relationship is not laziness or neglect – it’s a quiet expression of trust, security, and the kind of bond that doesn’t need constant verbal reassurance to survive. What you know now is that this everyday habit can strengthen your attachment to each other, as long as it doesn’t become the only way you spend time together. If you feel distant, or suspect your partner does, that’s a conversation worth having. Balance is everything: let each other breathe, but always remember to come back together.
