Three small words, rarely heard at home, and the quiet patterns they can leave behind well into adulthood. Maybe your parents showed love in other ways. They drove you to practice, paid for school, made dinner every night. But the words themselves were rare, and hugs were for birthdays and airports. Many people from homes like that grow up fine. And yet, decades later, some notice something odd: saying “no” to a friend, a boss or a relative feels almost impossible.
Psychologists have a name for the bigger picture. Trauma therapist Sharon Martin, who writes about childhood emotional neglect, lists “difficulty saying no or asserting boundaries” among its common signs in adults, alongside “people-pleasing,” “perfectionism” and “fear of abandonment.” In emotionally neglectful families, she explains, “the message is that feelings don’t matter, they’re an inconvenience, or they’re wrong.”
What Harvard Researchers Found
A study from Harvard’s Human Flourishing Program suggests that the warmth of childhood can still be felt in midlife. In a paper published in Social Science & Medicine in January 2019, researchers Ying Chen, Laura Kubzansky and Tyler VanderWeele used data from the Midlife in the United States study, known as MIDUS. They followed 3,929 adults who, in 1995 and 1996, answered questions about their parents, such as how much love and affection their mother and father had given them. About nine years later, the same participants reported on their well-being.
The results were clear. In Harvard’s announcement of the study, a moderate increase in parental warmth was linked to a 21% greater likelihood of high levels of flourishing and an 18% lower risk of depression. Flourishing here covers emotional, psychological and social well-being: feeling satisfied with life, having a sense of purpose and feeling connected to others.
The researchers are careful about the limits. Participants were recalling their childhood decades later, and the study shows an association, not proof of cause.
Why Boundaries Get So Hard
The connection makes sense. Martin notes that when emotional needs go unmet, people may try to prove their worth instead, through perfectionism or by seeking approval. A child who rarely hears “I love you” may learn to earn affection by being helpful, easy and never in the way. As adults, those habits can turn into saying yes to everything, apologizing for having needs and feeling guilty after setting even a small limit. The fear underneath is often the same: if I disappoint someone, I may lose them.
None of this means your parents did not love you. Many came from generations where affection simply was not spoken out loud.
How to Start Setting Boundaries
Start small and low-stakes. Practice saying “Let me check and get back to you” instead of an automatic yes, which gives you time to decide what you actually want. Notice the guilt that follows a refusal, and remind yourself that discomfort is not proof you did something wrong. Keep your “no” short, with no long explanation. And say the words you missed, to the people you love and to yourself.
Change can come at any age. Psychologists have found that adults over 55 often help more when it is hard, and helping well includes knowing your own limits. Small habits reveal a lot about our inner lives, as psychologists note about people who leave dishes in the sink. The lesson worth borrowing is that a boundary is not a rejection; it is information about what you need.
The Bottom Line
People whose parents rarely said “I love you” can carry the effects for decades, and trouble setting boundaries is one of the signs therapists point to. Harvard research links childhood warmth to greater well-being in midlife. The good news is that the words, and the limits, can still be learned.
