Your group chat is melting down, your boss is typing in all caps, there is a leak in your ceiling… and somehow you are calmly loading the dishwasher. If chaos is your natural habitat, you might not be “emotionless” – you might just have sky-high distress tolerance.

Psychologist Matthew Tull describes distress tolerance as your ability to sit with emotional discomfort without doing something that secretly makes the situation worse. People who are good at this develop a very specific inner script. When life gets messy, the same six phrases tend to pop up – out loud or in their head – and each one reveals something about how they ride out the storm.

What Distress Tolerance Really Is

Distress tolerance is not about being “fine” all the time. It is the capacity to feel anxious, sad, furious or terrified and still stay inside your window of tolerance – that zone where you can think, make decent decisions and avoid self-sabotage.

In dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), created by psychologist Marsha Linehan, distress tolerance is a whole skill set next to mindfulness and emotion regulation. The goal is simple: survive intense moments without impulsive moves like rage-texting your ex, quitting your job in an email, or draining a bottle of wine.

People with low distress tolerance panic, numb out or escape. People with high distress tolerance feel many of the same emotions, but they use tiny mental phrases as anchors. Here are the six you will hear from them most often.

Six Phrases People With High Distress Tolerance Say In Hard Times

“It Could Be Worse”

On paper, it sounds flippant. In reality, it is perspective. Someone who has lived through serious illness or real loss tends to rank today’s nightmare meeting a little differently. Comparing to past storms keeps them from catastrophizing.

The catch: this phrase can quietly minimize genuine pain. If every bad date, hostile workplace or hurtful comment gets brushed off with “it could be worse,” you risk staying in situations that are far below what you deserve. Try adding a second sentence: “It could be worse… and it is still allowed to hurt.”

“I Can Get Through This”

This is the pep talk version of distress tolerance. DBT calls it self-soothing – talking to yourself with the same tone you would use on a friend who is falling apart. You remember other crises you survived, and borrow that evidence.

It is not toxic positivity; it is self-efficacy. The subtext is, “This is awful, and I trust myself to handle it somehow.” If that feels like a stretch, soften it: “I can get through the next ten minutes.” Short windows count.

“It Is What It Is”

Here you are in radical acceptance territory. Picture a circle of control: inside are emails you can send, appointments you can make, boundaries you can set. Outside are other people’s choices, the past, the weather, the diagnosis.

Saying “it is what it is” does not mean you approve. It means you are not spending precious energy arguing with reality. That frees you to move from “why is this happening” to “what can I actually do, given that it is.”

“I Need To Take A Breath”

People with high distress tolerance are ruthless about inserting a pause. In DBT, there is a tool called STOP: Stop, Take a step back, Observe, Proceed mindfully. That first breath is the hinge between “I almost sent that text” and “I am so glad I did not send that text.”

Sometimes it is literally one slow inhale in a bathroom stall. Sometimes it is a quick walk around the block, splashing cold water on your face, or stepping outside of a crowded room. Change your body, and your feelings start to shift too.

“This Feeling Will Pass”

Emotions peak like waves, then recede. Distress-tolerant people remind themselves of that timing, especially when anxiety or grief feels endless. Naming it – “this is panic,” “this is shame” – and remembering it will crest in minutes helps them ride it instead of fight it.

That does not magically erase the problem. It just separates the crisis of the situation from the crisis of the feeling. Once the wave is lower, you can choose your next move instead of acting on the most urgent impulse.

“I Do Not Have To Fix Everything Right Now”

High distress tolerance often looks like refusing urgency. Rather than sprinting to solve all twelve problems immediately, these people mentally sort: what is on fire, what is smoking, what can wait until after lunch.

That might mean paying the parking ticket today and leaving the break-up conversation for therapy tomorrow. It is not avoidance. It is sequencing – and it is one of the quietest forms of self-protection.

Quick Self-Check: Do You Have High Distress Tolerance

You do not need a formal assessment to get curious. In the last month, how often have you:

  • Caught yourself saying at least three of those six phrases when things got intense
  • Stayed oddly functional during a crisis, then crashed only after it was over
  • Been called “the strong one” while secretly feeling wrung out
  • Delayed reacting so you could think, instead of firing off an instant reply

This is not a diagnosis, just a mirror. If you recognize yourself, your distress tolerance is probably higher than you think.

When High Distress Tolerance Starts To Hurt

There is a shadow side. Being able to endure a lot can slide into tolerating too much – a toxic boss, a partner who never apologizes, health symptoms you keep downplaying because “other people have it worse.”

If those six phrases are paired with chronic exhaustion, resentment, or fear of asking for help, your coping is tipping into self-neglect. Strength that never lets you rest is not really strength; it is survival mode in good lighting.

How To Build Healthier Distress Tolerance

  • Practice small pauses. Use the STOP idea: silently tell yourself “stop,” take one breath, notice your body, then answer the email or text
  • Play with radical acceptance in a journal. Make two columns: “What I Can Control” and “What I Cannot,” and sort the stressors of the week
  • Deliberately soothe your senses when you feel keyed up – a shower, a favorite playlist, a weighted blanket, a phone call with the friend who makes you laugh instead of spiral

Each micro-skill expands your window of tolerance so stress feels challenging, not annihilating.

When To Reach Out For Help

If your usual phrases stop working – you cannot sleep, you are relying on substances to cope, or thoughts of self-harm are creeping in – you do not have to ride that wave alone. In the US, you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline any time.

A therapist trained in DBT can also teach you distress tolerance skills in a structured way, so you are not winging it in every crisis. Being the person who holds it together is admirable. Being the person who lets herself be held sometimes is healthier.