Frustration, confusion, pain… Some people manage to always trigger negative emotions in us. Usually, they remain in our lives because they are family, close friends or from another significant community.
Sometimes, it is a real challenge to keep calm with someone whose presence sends your nervous system into a code-red emergency. Psychotherapist Nancy Colier shared three ways to stay grounded when faced with triggers. Psychology Today passed her words on.
These techniques make the trigger interactions less painful and disturbing.
Investigate your feelings and beliefs
Get curious and precise about what you think and feel when confronted by this triggering person. We tend to be too general when describing our experiences. For example, we usually say, “He/She makes me anxious,” or “I hate being with them,” and other general descriptions of an emotional response that is actually much more complex. The expert advises you to ask yourself:
“Is it shame, guilt, humiliation, sorrow, inadequacy, helplessness, or rejection? What’s the felt sense? And what are the narratives and beliefs that echo in your mind as a result? What specifically do you believe about the world and yourself in this person’s company?”
The aim here is to open up a deeper level of empathy and understanding of yourself. Once you know exactly what you are feeling, you can practice self-compassion and hold on to this new feeling whenever you are triggered.
“On a practical level, when in this person’s company, you can literally and symbolically hold yourself by putting a hand on your heart or belly, perhaps casually enough that it isn’t noticeable, as a gesture of kindness toward yourself.
“This is a way of saying to yourself, “This is hard, I’ve got you.” You can acknowledge silently (or out loud in the bathroom) what’s happening inside you,” explains the expert.
Accept the experience
An essential part of the process is to accept that these big and sometimes overwhelming feelings will arise with this person.
Colier detailed, “Remind yourself that this is just how the body works; It’s not up to you and it’s not your fault. The return of these strong and painful feelings, and the helplessness they sometimes initiate, isn’t a failing on your part. Remind yourself, too, that these feelings will pass. This is just how it goes when you’re a human.
“Becoming aware of the specific feelings that this person triggers in you and how these feelings came to be, and then offering yourself unconditional compassion and understanding, is step one. Step two is expecting and accepting that you’ll be triggered by this person, regardless of whether you want to be, and that it’s not in your control.”
Surrender and move on
At a very young age, we incorrectly learn that being a part of these difficult relationships is meaningful and valuable. It shows how strong, open-minded and strong-willed you are, as well as your willingness to evolve and forgive. We learn that we need to keep seeing this person so that we can become capable of seeing them without seeing red.
“The third step is surrender, which may not sound like a positive or strong thing to do. But in truth, it’s often the best and most freeing thing we can do for ourselves.
“Surrender is giving yourself permission to stop touching the stove — to stop putting yourself in this person’s orbit and experiencing this feeling of danger. You accept what reality keeps showing you: that this person generates pain for you and that it’s not your fault,” the psychotherapist underlined.
