Plenty of acquaintances, very few people to call: the habit behind it may have started long ago. You know a lot of people. Colleagues, neighbors, the parents from school, friends from different chapters of life. But when something goes wrong, a flat tire, a hard diagnosis, a move, you handle it alone. It does not even occur to you to ask. And if someone offers, you hear yourself saying, “Oh, I’m fine, thanks.”
Psychologists have a name for the extreme version of this pattern: hyper-independence. Relationship coach and educator Annie Tanasugarn, Ph.D., explains that independence can “veer into unhealthy hyper-independence, often as a response to past trauma.” Adults who had to grow up fast, sometimes caring for a parent instead of the other way around, often say they “were not allowed to just be a child.” Later, they may feel they must “rely on themselves, even when faced with a need for support.”
How It Shapes Friendships
Close friendships are built on small exchanges of need: asking for a ride, venting after a bad day, accepting a meal. If you never ask, those exchanges never happen, and relationships tend to stay friendly but shallow. Tanasugarn notes that people with this history may find it hard to trust that others are dependable, which reinforces their self-reliance. To others, it can come across as distant or “avoidant,” even when the person deeply values the people around them.
The Miscalculation Research Uncovered
Research suggests that the reluctance to ask often rests on a mistake. In a 2022 study published in Psychological Science, Xuan Zhao, now at Stanford, and Nicholas Epley of the University of Chicago Booth School of Business ran six experiments with a total of 2,118 adults in the United States. Again and again, people who needed help underestimated how willing others would be to give it, underestimated how good helpers would feel, and overestimated how inconvenienced helpers would be.
In one experiment, 50 people in a park were asked to find someone to take their photo. In 47 cases, the very first person they approached said yes. “Often, it is our own preconceived notions that hinder us from reaching out and seeking help,” Zhao said. Epley went further: “In some ways it’s actually unkind not to ask for help when someone would be quite willing.”
How to Start Leaning on People
Start with small, low-stakes requests: a book recommendation, a ride to the airport, a second opinion on a work email. Notice how people respond; most will be glad to help, just as the research predicts. When someone offers support, try saying “Yes, thank you” instead of “I’m fine.” Share one real thing about your week with a friend you would like to be closer to. And remember that asking gives the other person something too, the good feeling of being useful. Psychologists have found that adults over 55 often help more when it is hard, and small habits can reveal a lot about how we cope, as psychologists note about people who leave dishes in the sink. The lesson worth borrowing is that asking for help is not a burden; it is an invitation.
The Bottom Line
People who don’t keep many close friends often learned independence too early and now handle everything alone. Research shows most of us underestimate how much others want to help, and how good helping makes them feel.
