Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goop empire never leaves the headlines for long. Just yesterday, Demi Lovato took to Instagram to thank Paltrow for gifting her a ‘This Smells Like Demi’s Orgasm’ candle and a double-sided vibrator. Two weeks ago, that same brand of vagina candle was in the news for blowing up in a woman’s house, and last week, Paltrow herself was being slammed for promoting her use of ‘natural’ sunscreen.
Today, thankfully, the news is a little more low-brow: Paltrow has made her first appearance on the Goop TikTok account, being mocked for her non-stop Goop-ness by none other than her teenage daughter, Apple Martin.
In the video, Apple, the 16-year-old daughter of Paltrow and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin, narrates her mother’s morning routine of Goop supplements and topical products.
The video, which is aptly named “When you get roasted by your Gen Z daughter” begins with Martin describing how her mum likes to start her day. “She eats nothing except for dates and almond butter, so she will have that,” Martin teases. “I suppose the Goopglow is part of her cleanse, which she’s been on since… the day I was born, apparently.”
Paltrow then moves into her bathroom to start her skincare routine, which consists of dry brushing and a lot of GoopGlow products. “It’s 8:00 a.m., and she’s been doing this since 7:00 a.m.,” Martin says. “She just prances around the bathroom, putting on her millions of Goopglow products for her glowing skin.”
“Then, she gets to work, making some more vagina eggs and candles, vagina candles and vagina perfumes — just everything vagina,” Martin jokes as Paltrow types away at her laptop.
Of course, nothing Paltrow does is without a plan: her teenage daughter’s TikTok roast was to celebrate the launch of the pair’s first mother-daughter product release, Goopglow Glow Lotion, which was released yesterday. The lotion is said to be “super hydrating and featherweight,” leaving skin with a “subtle, dewy, beautiful glow.”
But seriously, when your skin looks almost as good as your teenage daughter’s, it’s almost impossible not to believe the Goop hype: