You know the scene. Your child sits down with a blank page, tongue between their teeth, ready to create a masterpiece. Two minutes later, the paper is shoved aside because \u201cthe eyes look weird.\u201d Then another sheet. And another. By the time you are rinsing dinner plates, there is a snowdrift of crumpled drawings on the table and a very upset small artist.<\/p>\n
From the outside, a child who keeps restarting a drawing until it looks \u201cright\u201d can look adorably determined. Or wildly dramatic. Underneath, psychology suggests something more nuanced is happening than simple \u201cShe is such a perfectionist.\u201d What really matters is not the crooked line. It is how big that crooked line feels inside your child\u2019s body.<\/p>\n
Researchers now distinguish between two flavors of perfectionism. Perfectionistic strivings are about wanting to do something well \u2013 think high standards, ambition, pride in improving. Perfectionistic concerns are where things get sticky: intense worry about mistakes, harsh self criticism, and the feeling that anything less than perfect means I am not good enough<\/i>.<\/p>\nHigh Standards Vs Perfectionistic Panic<\/h3>\n
With the drawing example, a striving child might calmly say, \u201cI do not like this one, I will try another way,\u201d and start over with curiosity. A child dominated by perfectionistic concerns is more likely to rip the paper, refuse to continue, or spiral into \u201cI am bad at drawing.\u201d Studies with school age kids suggest the distress piece \u2013 not the standard itself \u2013 is what predicts anxiety and low mood.<\/p>\n
For some children, a mistake is just data: that line did not work, I can change it. For others, it lands like proof of failure. That is where intolerance of uncertainty comes in \u2013 the intense discomfort some kids feel when things are not exactly how they pictured them or there is any \u201cnot quite right\u201d sensation.<\/p>\n
Psychologists sometimes see this same pattern in early obsessive compulsive symptoms. Not the classic fear of germs, but a powerful inner itch that things must feel exactly right. Redoing the drawing brings a rush of relief, which quietly trains the brain: if I fix everything, the awful feeling stops. That does not mean every child who restarts a sketch has OCD. It does mean this behavior is often about escaping discomfort, not chasing artistic greatness.<\/p>\n
Here is the slightly uncomfortable part for adults. In experiments where parents were coached to act very perfectionistic about kids\u2019 tasks \u2013 correcting every detail, focusing heavily on accuracy \u2013 children\u2019s own perfectionistic behavior increased. When parents were more relaxed, kids still improved at the task, but fussed less about tiny mistakes.<\/p>\n
Most of us rush to reassure: \u201cIt is perfect, do not worry!\u201d Sweet, yes. Also a tiny bit unhelpful, because it keeps the spotlight on perfect. Try getting curious instead:<\/p>\n
Now you are teaching flexibility, not flawless performance.<\/p>\n
Children build their self image in the gaze of important adults. So the soundtrack around the art table matters. Gentle, repeated messages like \u201cYou can make mistakes, I will always be here,\u201d or \u201cI love spending time with you, not just with your drawings,\u201d quietly untangle love from results. A simple \u201cThank you for being you\u201d can do more against perfectionism than a stack of gold stars.<\/p>\n
If your child keeps restarting a drawing until it looks right, try changing the setup, not just the speech.<\/p>\n
Instead of letting every \u201cfailed\u201d page go into the trash, suggest a gallery: \u201cLet us keep this one and draw the next idea next to it.\u201d Side by side attempts normalize learning and show that an imperfect version is allowed to exist. A crooked tree does not have to be erased to be acceptable.<\/p>\n
Lower the stakes with whiteboards, scrap paper or a shared sketchbook. Set silly challenges like, \u201cWe both have to keep one wonky line and turn it into something cool.\u201d Model your own errors out loud: \u201cI messed up this recipe, I will see if I can fix it,\u201d instead of theatrically throwing it out. As child psychiatrist Suzan Song likes to remind parents, \u201cThe perfect parent does not exist,\u201d and aiming to be gloriously average often relaxes everyone at the table.<\/p>\n
One intense afternoon with crayons is not a crisis. Many kids go through short phases of ripping up work or being very particular. Pay closer attention if you see the same pattern across homework, handwriting, getting dressed or games; if your child takes an extremely long time to finish simple tasks, avoids new activities, or needs constant reassurance that things are \u201cright.\u201d<\/p>\n
If their self talk turns cruel \u2013 \u201cI am stupid,\u201d \u201cI am terrible at everything\u201d \u2013 or their distress feels big and stuck, a child psychologist or pediatrician can be a useful first call. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help kids loosen perfectionism and learn that \u201cnot quite right\u201d is survivable. When obsessive rituals are involved, a form of CBT called exposure and response prevention teaches them to ride out that wrongness feeling without fixing every tiny detail.<\/p>\n
If you ever worry about your child\u2019s safety, contact a professional urgently. In the US, you can call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline for immediate support. The goal is not to make your child care less about doing things well. It is to help them discover that a drawing with a crooked line \u2013 and a life with plenty of crooked lines \u2013 is still absolutely worth staying on the page for.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":42690,"featured_media":117096,"template":"","format":"standard","categories":[3914],"yoast_head":"\n