{"id":116770,"date":"2026-10-01T11:55:13","date_gmt":"2026-10-01T15:55:13","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/?post_type=articles&p=116770"},"modified":"2026-10-01T08:01:59","modified_gmt":"2026-10-01T12:01:59","slug":"fall-in-love-wrong-people","status":"publish","type":"articles","link":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/fall-in-love-wrong-people\/","title":{"rendered":"Say Goodbye to Red Flags, a Psychologist Explains the Reason You\u2019re Attracted to People Who Are Bad for You"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"A<\/p>\n

\u00a9Getty Images: Ippei Naoi<\/p>\n

Being attracted to the “wrong person” is a tale as old as time, whether it\u2019s someone off limits \u2014 a best friend\u2019s brother or teacher, perhaps \u2014 or maybe it\u2019s just someone we know will be bad for our wellbeing.<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes, it\u2019s the thrill \u2014 someone who\u2019s a little dangerous can feel exciting. \u201cHuman beings don’t always gravitate towards what is objectively healthiest for us,\u201d explains <\/span>Dr. Carolyne Keenan<\/span><\/a>, registered psychologist.<\/span><\/p>\n

So why might we be attracted to the wrong types of romantic partners<\/a> \u2014 and can we break the cycle?<\/span><\/p>\n

Why might we be attracted to danger?<\/span><\/h2>\n

Being attracted to \u2018bad boys\u2019 is far from uncommon. \u201cThere can be something incredibly compelling about someone who feels exciting, unpredictable or slightly dangerous,\u201d Dr. Keenan says.<\/span><\/p>\n

This can be because some of the physical and emotional experiences we associate with attraction such as butterflies, anticipation and thinking about somebody constantly, can also come when we feel uncertain if someone feels dangerous or aloof. <\/span>Research shows<\/span><\/a> that uncertainty about whether someone likes us can increase how much we think about them, she explains. This, in turn, can make us feel more attracted to them.<\/span><\/p>\n

She adds that there can also be something attractive about confidence, independence, spontaneity and rule-breaking. \u201cThose aren’t inherently negative qualities. The difficulty comes when we package genuinely problematic behaviour: disrespect, unreliability or emotional unavailability, together with those qualities and romanticise the whole thing as the \u2018bad boy\u2019.<\/span><\/p>\n

But not to worry too much as being exciting and emotionally safe aren’t opposites, she adds. \u201cAnd a relationship<\/a> doesn’t need to make you anxious in order to have chemistry.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Why might we be attracted to someone “off limits”?<\/span><\/h2>\n

Ever had a crush<\/a> on a teacher, a best friend\u2019s sibling or a boss? This is normal too.<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSomething being forbidden can add excitement, scarcity and fantasy to an attraction that might otherwise have remained fairly ordinary,\u201d explains Dr. Keenan.<\/span><\/p>\n

She explains that someone \u2018off limits\u2019 can come with obstacles to overcome which become part of the excitement. Dr. Keenan asks: \u201cWhen a relationship has to overcome secrecy, disapproval or difficulty, it’s worth asking: if all the barriers disappeared tomorrow, would I still want this person as much?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

\"A
Getty Images: Tatiana Maksimova<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Why might we repeatedly fall for people who are “bad for us”?<\/span><\/h2>\n

Feel like you fall into the pattern of continuous relationships with people who are bad for you? Dr Keenan says this can happen due to familiarity. \u201cOur previous experiences of closeness can influence what we expect from relationships and how we respond to intimacy, rejection and uncertainty,\u201d she explains.<\/span><\/p>\n

We don\u2019t need to necessarily blame every questionable boyfriend on our childhood, but it can be worth noticing what feels familiar, she adds.<\/span><\/p>\n

How can we break the cycle of going for the wrong people?<\/span><\/h2>\n

Dr. Keenan says to start off by noticing your patterns of attraction, rather than beating yourself up for it. \u201cLook back at previous relationships and ask: What initially attracted me? What did I ignore early on? What kept me there when I wasn’t happy? What does attraction usually feel like in my body?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

In looking for your next partner, she advises separating chemistry from compatibility. \u201cChemistry tells you that you’re drawn to someone,\u201d she says. \u201cIt doesn’t tell you whether they’re kind, emotionally available, trustworthy or capable of building the relationship you want.\u201d Both is helpful to consider.\u00a0<\/span>If you’re used to unpredictability, a healthy relationship can initially feel a bit uneventful, she adds. This doesn\u2019t mean dating someone you\u2019re not attracted to but rather, giving yourself enough time to discover the difference between \u2018there’s no spark\u2019 and \u2018I’m not experiencing the anxiety I’ve learned to associate with a spark.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

Importantly, you should also pay attention to behaviour rather than potential, she says. \u201cAsk yourself: If absolutely nothing about this person changed, would I still choose this relationship a year from now?\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

And finally, remember, as well as asking \u201cdo they want me?\u201d also ask: “do I actually like who I am, and how I feel, when I’m with them?” This is vital to remembering your worth within a relationship.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":42794,"featured_media":116774,"template":"","format":"standard","categories":[6939,16,2723],"yoast_head":"\nSay Goodbye to Red Flags, a Psychologist Explains the Reason You\u2019re Attracted to People Who Are Bad for You<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Find yourself falling in love with the wrong people? 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