{"id":116564,"date":"2026-09-25T08:29:54","date_gmt":"2026-09-25T12:29:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/"},"modified":"2026-09-25T08:29:54","modified_gmt":"2026-09-25T12:29:54","slug":"psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good","status":"publish","type":"articles","link":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/","title":{"rendered":"Psychologists Say Your Relationship Is Still Fixable \u2014 If You Stop These 4 Toxic Habits For Good"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>[fpvideo mediaid=&#8221;https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=qrgtYzc0nZc&#8221; no_top_page=&#8221;yes&#8221; autoplay=&#8221;no&#8221;]<\/p>\n<h2>When You\u2019re Asking Yourself If This Is Still Fixable<\/h2>\n<p>You know ce n\u2019est pas bon when a fight about dishes somehow ends with both of you crying about your childhoods and sleeping back to back. The heartbreak feels poetic, but your body does not care about poetry. Research links hostile relationships to worse sleep, more pain and even a higher risk of early death, on par with smoking or skipping workouts.<\/p>\n<p>Here is the twist no one tells you over cocktails. Most long-term couples go in circles over the <i>same<\/i> subjects for years. John Gottman\u2019s work shows that roughly 69% of problems are \u201cperpetual\u201d \u2013 money, sex, parenting, neatness, power. Happy couples have them too. What separates the couples who make it from the ones who implode is not the topic, but the <i>way<\/i> they fight.<\/p>\n<h2>How To Know If Your Relationship Is Still Repairable<\/h2>\n<p>Therapists see deeply distressed couples turn things around all the time. Jay Lebow, a couples therapist at Northwestern University, notes that about 70% of couples who try evidence-based therapy improve. Translation: \u201cIt\u2019s fixable\u201d is not a fantasy, <i>if<\/i> a few basics are in place.<\/p>\n<p>Your relationship is usually still in the repairable zone if:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Everyone is physically and emotionally safe \u2013 no abuse, no <a href=\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/9-nice-phrases-psychologists-say-toxic-people-use-to-control-you-without-you-realizing-it\/\">coercive control<\/a>.<\/li>\n<li>You both still care about each other\u2019s wellbeing, even under the anger.<\/li>\n<li>Each of you is willing to look at your own part, not just your partner\u2019s flaws.<\/li>\n<li>There is at least a flicker of empathy or curiosity left.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>It gets far less \u201cfixable\u201d when there is violence, relentless contempt, active addiction with no wish to change or repeated cheating with zero remorse. In those cases, the priority is safety, not saving the couple.<\/p>\n<h2>The Four Habits That Quietly Kill A Relationship<\/h2>\n<p>Carrie Cole at The Gottman Institute talks about four behaviours that reliably predict break-up: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. \u201cThose four behaviours will kill a relationship,\u201d Cole says. The good news: they are habits, not life sentences.<\/p>\n<h3>Criticism To Clear Requests<\/h3>\n<p>Criticism attacks the person: \u201cYou are so selfish.\u201d A healthier move is to describe the situation and make a request: \u201cWhen you are on your phone at dinner I feel unimportant. Can we have phone-free dinners twice a week?\u201d Same frustration, less shrapnel.<\/p>\n<h3>Contempt To Appreciation<\/h3>\n<p>Contempt is the eye-roll, the sarcasm, the \u201cWow, you really are pathetic.\u201d It is also the single strongest predictor of divorce and even poor health. The antidote is boring and powerful: <a href=\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/science-reveals-the-one-simple-habit-that-keeps-couples-together-for-life-25497\/\">daily appreciation<\/a>. One specific \u201cthank you\u201d or \u201cI love that you\u2026\u201d each day slowly detoxes the atmosphere.<\/p>\n<h3>Defensiveness To Owning Your Part<\/h3>\n<p>Defensiveness sounds like \u201cYeah, but you\u2026\u201d or a 10\u2011minute TED Talk explaining why you are not at fault. Try a shorter script: \u201cYou are right, I did forget, and I get why that hurt.\u201d You can clarify context later. First, show you heard them.<\/p>\n<h3>Stonewalling To Taking A Break (And Coming Back)<\/h3>\n<p>Stonewalling is shutting down, scrolling, leaving the room mid\u2011sentence. Often it is a nervous system in overload. Say, \u201cI am too activated to talk well. Can we pause for 20 minutes and come back at 8:30?\u201d Then <i>actually<\/i> come back. Distance is not the problem; disappearing is.<\/p>\n<h2>Turning Fights From Destructive To Constructive<\/h2>\n<p>Arguments themselves are not toxic. Destructive fights \u2013 shouting, insults, icy silence for days \u2013 are the problem. Constructive conflict focuses on solving a shared problem with some basic respect. Couples who argue constructively report better sleep and even better physical health.<\/p>\n<p>A quiet superpower here is responsiveness: the sense that your partner listens, understands and cares. It sounds like, \u201cI can see why you would feel that way,\u201d even when you disagree. Cole calls that \u201caccepting influence\u201d \u2013 treating your partner\u2019s perspective as valid, not ridiculous.<\/p>\n<p>Another green flag phrase in the therapy room is curiosity. \u201cTell me more. How did you come to see it like that?\u201d Lebow says that when couples start speaking and listening differently, empathy rebuilds. You do not need couple\u2019s yoga; you need fewer cross\u2011examinations and more \u201cHelp me understand.\u201d<\/p>\n<h2>Look Under The Fight You Keep Having<\/h2>\n<p>Often the battle is not really about the credit card bill or who unloads the dishwasher. In one case Cole shares, both partners had grown up in poverty. As adults, the wife\u2019s dream was safety, so she clung to saving and strict budgets. The husband\u2019s dream was belonging and pleasure, so he wanted to spend on dinners, clothes, the good life they never had.<\/p>\n<p>On the surface they were \u201cbad with money together\u201d. Underneath, they were fighting for two very different visions of freedom. Once they named those dreams, they could compromise: an agreed savings target and a guilt\u2011free spending pot. Try asking each other: \u201cWhat does this issue symbolize for you?\u201d and \u201cWhat are you most afraid will happen if we do it my way?\u201d<\/p>\n<h2>When To Call In A Professional<\/h2>\n<p>If you are on the merry-go-round of the same awful fight, outside help is not a failure, it is a strategy. Couples therapy has a solid evidence base: around 70% of couples improve their satisfaction or reduce distress.<\/p>\n<p>Inside the room, a good therapist is less referee, more translator. They slow you down, enforce real listening, help you spot patterns and dig out the dreams under the drama. Signs it is working: you interrupt less; \u201cYou always\u201d turns into \u201cSometimes I\u201d; you hear yourself say \u201cI can see why you feel that way\u201d and actually mean it.<\/p>\n<p>Motivation matters more than perfection. You do not need to be a chilled, healed goddess to start. You just need a basic willingness to try something different from the last three years.<\/p>\n<h2>A One Week \u2018This Is Fixable\u2019 Plan<\/h2>\n<p>If you want to test whether there is still life in this thing, try a tiny, structured experiment together for seven days:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li>Agree on a shared goal: \u201cWe are both hurting, and we both want to see if this can get better.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Pick <i>one<\/i> of the four bad habits each and work only on that this week.<\/li>\n<li>Schedule one 20\u2011minute check\u2011in, phones off. One speaks, the other just reflects back what they heard, then you swap.<\/li>\n<li>Ask each other one curiosity question a day: \u201cWhat felt hardest for you today?\u201d or \u201cWhat would help you feel more supported this week?\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Offer one specific appreciation daily, even if it is \u201cThanks for handling bedtime when I was fried.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>If even this small plan feels impossible or unsafe, the work may not be to save the relationship, but to save <i>you<\/i>. Otherwise, consider this your gentle proof that a different version of the two of you is still possible \u2013 not perfect, not cinematic, but kinder, more honest and much more livable.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":42690,"featured_media":116563,"template":"","format":"standard","categories":[3914],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO Premium plugin v18.5 (Yoast SEO v20.4) - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Psychologists Say Your Relationship Is Still Fixable \u2014 If You Stop These 4 Toxic Habits For Good - Grazia USA<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Psychologists Say Your Relationship Is Still Fixable \u2014 If You Stop These 4 Toxic Habits For Good\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"[fpvideo mediaid=&#8221;https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=qrgtYzc0nZc&#8221; no_top_page=&#8221;yes&#8221; autoplay=&#8221;no&#8221;] When You\u2019re Asking Yourself If This Is Still Fixable You know ce n\u2019est pas bon when a fight about dishes somehow ends with both of you crying about your childhoods and sleeping back to back. The heartbreak feels poetic, but your body does not care about poetry. Research links hostile relationships...\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Grazia USA\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"6 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"NewsArticle\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/#article\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/\"},\"author\":{\"name\":\"Grazia Staff\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#\/schema\/person\/c2ab125d2383d565e92c07f5bfdcfc66\"},\"headline\":\"Psychologists Say Your Relationship Is Still Fixable \u2014 If You Stop These 4 Toxic Habits For Good\",\"datePublished\":\"2026-09-25T12:29:54+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2026-09-25T12:29:54+00:00\",\"mainEntityOfPage\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/\"},\"wordCount\":1153,\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#organization\"},\"articleSection\":[\"People &amp; Society\"],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/\",\"name\":\"Psychologists Say Your Relationship Is Still Fixable \u2014 If You Stop These 4 Toxic Habits For Good - Grazia USA\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2026-09-25T12:29:54+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2026-09-25T12:29:54+00:00\",\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Psychologists Say Your Relationship Is Still Fixable \u2014 If You Stop These 4 Toxic Habits For Good\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/\",\"name\":\"Grazia USA\",\"description\":\"Driving Tastemakers in Fashion, Beauty and Culture\",\"publisher\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#organization\"},\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":\"required name=search_term_string\"}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Organization\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#organization\",\"name\":\"Grazia USA\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/\",\"logo\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/15\/2026\/06\/grazia-usa.png\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/15\/2026\/06\/grazia-usa.png\",\"width\":447,\"height\":447,\"caption\":\"Grazia USA\"},\"image\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/\"}},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#\/schema\/person\/c2ab125d2383d565e92c07f5bfdcfc66\",\"name\":\"Grazia Staff\",\"image\":{\"@type\":\"ImageObject\",\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/1cbcdc1e6c9da65d4dd86c3b2c6839c3?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"contentUrl\":\"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/1cbcdc1e6c9da65d4dd86c3b2c6839c3?s=96&d=mm&r=g\",\"caption\":\"Grazia Staff\"},\"url\":\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/author\/usergrazia\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO Premium plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Psychologists Say Your Relationship Is Still Fixable \u2014 If You Stop These 4 Toxic Habits For Good - Grazia USA","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Psychologists Say Your Relationship Is Still Fixable \u2014 If You Stop These 4 Toxic Habits For Good","og_description":"[fpvideo mediaid=&#8221;https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=qrgtYzc0nZc&#8221; no_top_page=&#8221;yes&#8221; autoplay=&#8221;no&#8221;] When You\u2019re Asking Yourself If This Is Still Fixable You know ce n\u2019est pas bon when a fight about dishes somehow ends with both of you crying about your childhoods and sleeping back to back. The heartbreak feels poetic, but your body does not care about poetry. Research links hostile relationships...","og_url":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/","og_site_name":"Grazia USA","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_misc":{"Est. reading time":"6 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"NewsArticle","@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/#article","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/"},"author":{"name":"Grazia Staff","@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#\/schema\/person\/c2ab125d2383d565e92c07f5bfdcfc66"},"headline":"Psychologists Say Your Relationship Is Still Fixable \u2014 If You Stop These 4 Toxic Habits For Good","datePublished":"2026-09-25T12:29:54+00:00","dateModified":"2026-09-25T12:29:54+00:00","mainEntityOfPage":{"@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/"},"wordCount":1153,"publisher":{"@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#organization"},"articleSection":["People &amp; Society"],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/","url":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/","name":"Psychologists Say Your Relationship Is Still Fixable \u2014 If You Stop These 4 Toxic Habits For Good - Grazia USA","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#website"},"datePublished":"2026-09-25T12:29:54+00:00","dateModified":"2026-09-25T12:29:54+00:00","breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/psychologists-say-your-relationship-is-still-fixable-if-you-stop-these-4-toxic-habits-for-good\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Psychologists Say Your Relationship Is Still Fixable \u2014 If You Stop These 4 Toxic Habits For Good"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#website","url":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/","name":"Grazia USA","description":"Driving Tastemakers in Fashion, Beauty and Culture","publisher":{"@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#organization"},"potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":"required name=search_term_string"}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Organization","@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#organization","name":"Grazia USA","url":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/","logo":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/15\/2026\/06\/grazia-usa.png","contentUrl":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/wp-content\/uploads\/sites\/15\/2026\/06\/grazia-usa.png","width":447,"height":447,"caption":"Grazia USA"},"image":{"@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#\/schema\/logo\/image\/"}},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#\/schema\/person\/c2ab125d2383d565e92c07f5bfdcfc66","name":"Grazia Staff","image":{"@type":"ImageObject","inLanguage":"en-US","@id":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/#\/schema\/person\/image\/","url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/1cbcdc1e6c9da65d4dd86c3b2c6839c3?s=96&d=mm&r=g","contentUrl":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/1cbcdc1e6c9da65d4dd86c3b2c6839c3?s=96&d=mm&r=g","caption":"Grazia Staff"},"url":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/author\/usergrazia\/"}]}},"jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"distributor_meta":false,"distributor_terms":false,"distributor_media":false,"distributor_original_site_name":"Grazia USA","distributor_original_site_url":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us","push-errors":false,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/articles\/116564"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/articles"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/articles"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/42690"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/116563"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=116564"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=116564"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}