{"id":115353,"date":"2026-08-30T12:29:36","date_gmt":"2026-08-30T12:29:36","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/should-you-laugh-at-yourself-more-or-less-psychologists-on-the-cost-of-the-im-a-mess-persona\/"},"modified":"2026-08-30T12:29:36","modified_gmt":"2026-08-30T12:29:36","slug":"should-you-laugh-at-yourself-more-or-less-psychologists-on-the-cost-of-the-im-a-mess-persona","status":"publish","type":"articles","link":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/us\/articles\/should-you-laugh-at-yourself-more-or-less-psychologists-on-the-cost-of-the-im-a-mess-persona\/","title":{"rendered":"Should You Laugh at Yourself More or Less? \u2014 Psychologists on the Cost of the ‘I’m a Mess’ Persona"},"content":{"rendered":"

You spill cold brew on your cream trousers right before the all-hands, and the dark stain is screaming louder than your VP. One colleague tells you, \u201cOwn it, laugh it off.\u201d Another whispers, \u201cDo not make a joke, they will never promote you.\u201d<\/p>\n

We are constantly told that if we cannot laugh at ourselves, we are the problem \u2013 uptight, fragile, no fun at parties. But if you are a woman who has already been called \u201ctoo emotional\u201d, \u201ctoo much\u201d, or \u201ctoo big for your boots\u201d, the idea of volunteering as the punchline can feel less like confidence and more like self-sabotage. So should we lean into self-mockery or retire the \u201cI am such a mess\u201d bit for good?<\/p>\n

Why We Are So Obsessed With Laughing At Ourselves<\/h2>\n

Culturally, self-deprecation is everywhere. Late-night hosts open with it. Influencers caption their own wardrobe malfunctions with it. Your most stylish friend will post a mirror selfie in a flawless SS26 look and write, \u201cJust a raccoon in lipstick.\u201d<\/p>\n

Psychologists get why this appeals. A generally playful outlook \u2013 finding lightness in stress, including your own \u2013 is linked to better mental health, relationships and coping. In one lab study, when people were unexpectedly shown distorted \u201cfun-house mirror\u201d images of their own faces, about four in five at least smiled and many laughed. Most of us can genuinely find ourselves funny.<\/p>\n

The catch is that \u201claughing at yourself\u201d is not one single behavior. There is a big difference between chuckling at your smudged mascara and turning your entire personality into \u201cthe girl who always messes up.\u201d<\/p>\n

The Fine Line Between Self-Deprecating And Self-Defeating<\/h2>\n

The Four Flavors Of Humor<\/h3>\n

Researchers talk about four main humor styles. Affiliative humor is the friendly kind \u2013 teasing that brings people together. Self-enhancing humor is what you use to get through stress, like joking about the chaos of parenting or your cursed commute.<\/p>\n

Then there is aggressive humor, which targets other people, and self-defeating humor, which targets you. Think of the woman in the meeting who constantly calls herself dumb so everyone else stays comfortable. Same \u201claugh at me\u201d energy, very different consequences.<\/p>\n

When Self-Mockery Is Quietly Self-Care<\/h3>\n

For years, self-defeating humor was treated as automatically toxic, supposedly a sign of low self-esteem<\/a> and even suicidal thoughts. But recent work by psychologist Sonja Heintz complicates that picture. In her studies, many people who joked at their own expense were not falling apart. They described it as a way to cope with insecurity and connect with others.<\/p>\n

The difference seems to be tone and variety. If you can also laugh with friends, laugh at absurd situations, and not only at your own body, brain or bank account, self-mockery can be part of a healthy mix. As one humor researcher puts it, \u201cIf someone takes themselves very seriously, it is hard for them to enjoy humor at all,\u201d Heintz says.<\/p>\n

Red Flags Your Jokes Are Hurting You<\/h3>\n