{"id":73800,"date":"2026-10-27T23:05:42","date_gmt":"2026-10-27T19:05:42","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/me\/?post_type=articles&p=73800"},"modified":"2026-10-27T23:20:25","modified_gmt":"2026-10-27T19:20:25","slug":"people-pleasing-losing-yourself","status":"publish","type":"articles","link":"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/me\/articles\/people-pleasing-losing-yourself\/","title":{"rendered":"Second Self: Who Are We When We Stop Trying To Please Everyone?"},"content":{"rendered":"
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From GRAZIA’s 19th print edition, ‘Beneath the Surface’.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

There\u2019s a version of me that you\u2019ve met. The version of me that I wanted the world to see \u2013 or rather, what I thought they should see.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a version of myself who knows where to stand, what to say, how to make the room comfortable. She has the right face ready before anyone looks. For a few years now, she\u2019s been the one who\u2019s always walked into the room first.<\/p>\n

And honestly, I built her carefully. She\u2019s capable. She doesn\u2019t need much. She tells people she\u2019s fine and means \u2018Don\u2019t worry about me\u2019, and everyone believes her because she\u2019s good at her job. She smiles and gets on with it, so as not to be difficult.<\/p>\n

From the outside, she looks like a whole person.<\/p>\n

She isn\u2019t.<\/p>\n

She\u2019s the half I could afford to show.<\/p>\n

Somewhere behind her there\u2019s another version of herself. The one who laughs too loudly. Who\u2019s soft. Who\u2019s warm. Who\u2019s a little ridiculous \u2013 ok, very<\/em> ridiculous. The one who loves things openly instead of carefully. The one who didn\u2019t use to think so much before she spoke. The one who used to be so carefree she didn\u2019t have a second thought.<\/p>\n

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From GRAZIA’s 19th print edition, ‘Beneath the Surface’.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

I used to be her, before I decided she was too much. Before I folded her up and put her somewhere for safekeeping. Perhaps I was masking it as so-called maturity. As a matter of fact, it was hiding \u2013 or rather, making myself smaller.<\/p>\n

You might\u2019ve seen her, actually. In glimmers. In the moments the guard slips and something brighter comes through. A real, unguarded laugh, if only for a second. But then it\u2019s gone again. Tucked back down and the capable one takes over.<\/p>\n

Somewhere, I\u2019d learned to take up less room. To soften the edges of what I wanted so no one could accuse me of wanting too much. You learn it early, as a woman, that there\u2019s a way of being that gets called \u2018a lot\u2019 and you\u2019d rather be easy than a lot \u2013 at least that\u2019s how I\u2019m wired.<\/p>\n

I always pulled her back in. Why exactly? I couldn\u2019t tell you.<\/p>\n

You simply learn to make yourself smaller in the meeting. You let the louder voice have the idea that was yours. You watch someone else get called decisive for the thing for which you\u2019d have been called difficult, and you file it away, quietly, with all the other evidence that you\u2019re the reliable one and not the one they bet on. Good at your job. Never quite the first name in the room.<\/p>\n

\"\"
From GRAZIA’s 19th print edition, ‘Beneath the Surface’.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

On the sidelines, you\u2019ve learned to expect very little. Not the one who gets looked at, you decided, long before anyone was given the chance to prove you wrong. So, when you find someone you like \u2013 really like \u2013 you say nothing, because reaching means being seen wanting it, and being seen wanting it means it can be refused. Better to take yourself out of the running than to stand in it and lose. You called it realism. It was just another way of getting small.<\/p>\n

Second best at the desk. Second glance everywhere else. You tell yourself it doesn\u2019t touch you. Instead, it builds a wall, brick by brick, and you live behind it.<\/p>\n

It\u2019s a true clich\u00e9\u2026 putting yourself first, which, let me tell you, is entirely unglamorous. Actually facing up to what I let go of for so long and why. It feels selfish saying that out loud. Choosing yourself. But I\u2019ve perhaps come to think the selfish thing was the other way around.<\/p>\n

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From GRAZIA’s 19th print edition, ‘Beneath the Surface’.<\/figcaption><\/figure>\n

Spending years being a diminished version of myself and calling it humility. There\u2019s nothing generous about disappearing.<\/p>\n

So, I\u2019m loosening my grip on her a little. The loud one. The loving one. The one who was never meant to be a shadow of myself. It was just the joy I\u2019d stopped making room for.<\/p>\n

She\u2019s still here. I\u2019m just going to stop talking her out of it.<\/p>\n

\u201cSecond Self\u201d IS PUBLISHED IN THE 19th EDITION OF GRAZIA Middle East. ORDER YOUR COPY HERE.<\/span><\/a><\/p>\n

CREATIVE DIRECTION & STYLING:<\/strong> JAYA PRISCOS
\nPHOTOGRAPHY:<\/strong> CARMEN ROSE HAIR JOSIE HANUSKA
\nMAKEUP:<\/strong> ZOE KARLI
\nFASHION ASSISTANTS:<\/strong> CLAUDIA NICOLOSI & VALENTINA BARRIOS
\nLIGHTING TECHNICIAN:<\/strong> LUKE CHANG
\nMODELS:<\/strong> MONIQUE HAYWOOD \/ CHIC MANAGEMENT & LILY HALLGATH JOLLY \/ PRISCILLAS MODEL<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":42685,"featured_media":73805,"template":"","format":"standard","categories":[260,65,35],"yoast_head":"\nThe Hidden Cost Of People-Pleasing & Losing Yourself<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"In Jungian psychology, the shadow is the self we disown. It\u2019s comprised of the parts we bury because we\u2019ve decided they\u2019re unacceptable. We tend to picture it as our darkness. But the shadow hides our light too: the vitality, the warmth, the joy we exile for being too much. In this personal essay, Olivia Morris explores the ways she\u2019s spent a life shrinking herself \u2013 and the unglamorous work of letting the original one back out.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/graziamagazine.com\/me\/articles\/people-pleasing-losing-yourself\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Second Self: Who Are We When We Stop Trying To Please Everyone?\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"In Jungian psychology, the shadow is the self we disown. It\u2019s comprised of the parts we bury because we\u2019ve decided they\u2019re unacceptable. We tend to picture it as our darkness. But the shadow hides our light too: the vitality, the warmth, the joy we exile for being too much. 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