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In this digital age of social media where a newsfeed is not only never-ending, it’s able to be refreshed every degree of a second, breaking-up with a boyfriend or girlfriend can be tricky. (Facebook memories, please leave us alone!). A simple online “like” by an ex can trigger paranoia and a string of different panicked scenarios in our minds.
Imagine though if this was amplified. Imagine if your ex’s new relationship was splashed across the world media a la Bella Hadid’s ex-boyfriend The Weeknd and his new girlfriend Selena Gomez. You wouldn’t be able to escape it and Hadid definitely couldn’t when The Weeknd and Gomez unfollowed the model on Instagram recently. Even if she didn’t notice, reports surfaced with screen grabs as evidence.
But recently, a used-to-be media shy Hadid revealed her strong mindset when it comes to matters of the heart: “I’m just really focusing on myself, and my work, and just being the best that I can be,” she told Porter magazine.
“I’m not really worried about what guys think about me, I’m just trying to be a woman!” – Bella Hadid
But with so much noise from social media or mutual friends from your last relationship, how exactly do you cut out those mind wanderings and worries and fully focus on becoming the best woman you can be? How do you just “be a woman” again? It’s a big feat but psychologist Gemma Cribb (equilibriumpsychology.com.au) says it’s not impossible and is about reflecting on the old relationship in order to learn and grow. Here, she lists three questions to ask yourself post-break-up.
1) What can I learn about who I go for and how I get them?
“Every life challenge has something we can learn from it about ourselves”, explains Cribb. “So if you are a person that automatically jumps to ‘don’t date jerks’ as your break-up lesson, stop and think. What did you do in order to get into that situation? Maybe you were too susceptible to flattery; maybe you were overly focused on looks, status or wealth? Maybe you went for someone who needed you and did a lot of giving? Make sure you have a deep think about your responses in the relationship and any reactive patterns you displayed so you can truly move through them and grow as a woman.”
2) What version of me did I discover?
“All relationships open us to new things: new places, new experiences, new people, new thoughts etc,” she says. “Think about the version of yourself you became in that relationship. What did you like about that you, and what would you be happy to shed? Then make a list of actions that you can take post-breakup to help keep you in those desired new habits/aspects and help you lose the undesired ones.”
3) What do I want the future to look like?
“As cliché as it sounds, we are all the architects of our own lives. Take some time to think and plan how you want your life journey to continue from this point,” says Cribb. “Beware of negative, self-defeating or ‘victimy’ thinking. Imagine you had a magic wand and anything was possible, how would you choose to write your story from here? Whether you are Bella Hadid or not, you can be a star in your own story if you back yourself enough to create and pursue the opportunities you need and live the life you want.”