There is nothing that could steal Meghan Markle and Prince Harry’s pure, unadulterated joy today as they show off baby Archie Harrison to the world for the first time.

Still, members of Meghan’s estranged US family are doing their best to steal a sliver of attention for themselves.

After Meghan’s nephew Tyler Dooley, 26, was allegedly involved in a 15-20 person brawl outside a bar hours before the Duchess gave birth, now Meghan’s estranged half-sister Samantha Markle has taken it upon herself to release a statement about the royal baby.

It’s weird. And long. Very long. So we’ve highlighted the parts you need – yes, need – to read.

“We’re all welcoming the baby—Markles, Raglands, Sussexes, Windsors,” Samantha, who shares the same father as Meghan and hasn’t seen her in 10 years, said.

“In terms of the gene pool, we’ve all made a contribution to this wonderful little boy who will probably grow up to be an exceptional man and we’d like to treat this as if we’re all a big family. It would be nice not to react to what we’ve heard in the news but to personally meet him and let him judge us for himself.”

And then:

“I want him to know he’s got a big family and he’s part of an amazing historical time and we’re excited for him. We’re excited for Meg and Harry—I am really excited for her. I love her, she’s my baby sister and it doesn’t matter what we’ve all said back and forth but she’s got to do the right thing. I just want to say Meg, you’ve got a world here and family here [in the U.S.] that’s excited for you.”

And finally:

“I want Meg to be part of [her dad Thomas’s] life, I want Meg to be able to share this beautiful time with him in whatever way she can. I think it’s important for her too. I hope something sticks with her—that she decided to do the right thing for my dad. Life is short and we’re family. I hope she decides to do the right thing this time.”

Wow. “I hope she decides to do the right thing this time.” This from a woman who has written a tell-all book about Meghan and publicly called her a “liar” and a “narcissist”. Bit rich, no?

Sorry Samantha but I think the “gene pool contribution” comment, which seems like a creepy way to try and take some  credit for the royal baby, has all but dashed your hopes of ever meeting Archie.