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Notoriously private actress Eva Mendes has spoken out about the pain she and her family experienced just days before the birth of her second daughter Amada. Mendes’ 53-year-old brother passed away from cancer on April 17, the same week she and her partner Ryan Gosling were expecting their second child. And, for the woman who hid her pregnancy from the world for nine months, she’s surprisingly open about her hardship.

“Being totally honest, I don’t feel like I’ve really processed that yet.” Mendes told Latina magazine. “Losing my brother brought our family closer, and we were already close to begin with. So to just see everybody be there for one another and show up, I feel so lucky to have them. And then they were there for me when Amada was born. We had a funeral service for [Carlos] and that same week I had the baby. So it was really, really intense and obviously beyond heartbreaking, but also kind of beautiful”

The actress also revealed why she named her second daughter Amada when her first daughter Esmeralda’s middle name is already Amada. “My grandmother’s name is Amada, and Esmeralda Amada is the name of our oldest,” she explained. “[Ryan and I] had a few names picked out for our new baby, and when she was born, we didn’t feel like those names were her. We came up with a few more, even that morning, and tried them out. We were like, ‘What about Viviana?’ But we just kept going back to Amada,” she explained. She said she had to school Gosling that re-suing names in Latin culture was common.