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Amid reports she and her actor husband Josh Duhamel have separated, Fergie has visibly broken down on the set of The Wendy Williams Show, says The Sun. While talking about her young son, four-year-old Axl, the singer said she didn’t want to divorce Duhamel. “I love Josh, he’s the father of my child,” she said. “We forever have that project together and we’re doing the best we can… [But] it wasn’t my plan. I wanted to stay together forever.”
Just last month, while on the promotional trail for her new film First They Killed My Father, Angelina Jolie mirrored this same sentiment and was very candid when the questioning turned to the breakdown of her marriage to Brad Pitt in a new interview. “I don’t enjoy being single,” she said, reportedly through tears. “It’s not something I wanted.”
It’s a thought process and a dreaded feeling that lots of women face, those who may have been blindsided by a revelation in their own relationship and where they subsequently have felt coerced to break it off. For some – even the most powerful women in entertainment – they feel so blindsided by an unexpected turn of events that they feel there is no other option but to be single. “There will generally be a mass of conflicting emotions,” says GRAZIA’s resident psychologist Gemma Cribb. “Sadness, hopelessness and regret surrounding the loss of the relationship and the loss of the dreams the couple had together would be paramount. Some women, however, might feel anger and frustration if there was conflict or feelings of being backed into a corner. Some people might feel some relief if breaking up gets them some sense of control back but this will also be mixed with anxiety about the uncertainty of the future.”
Jolie continued. “There are no upsides, there is nothing nice about it. It’s just hard,” she said. According to Cribb, this is a completely normal reaction to the shattering of a what was deemed a good relationship. Rest assured though, this anxiety-inducing period will not last forever. Here, she gives three tips to help you navigate these emotions, and it begins by looking after yourself physically and mentally.
1. Remember how you could feel happy and live a good life before this relationship and remind yourself it is possible to be happy and satisfied when single. These current negative feelings will pass and there might come a time when you will be grateful for the breakup (because it will give you opportunities you may not have otherwise had).
2. Get active in creating a good single lifestyle so you begin to feel there is something ‘nice about it’. Begin to do the things you might not have prioritized when in the relationship such as connect with new people, take on new hobbies or projects, travel to places you want to go, increase your self-care, exercise. I like to get people to imagine that they had a crystal ball and knew that this was the last six months that they would be single for the rest of their lives. It helps them work out what is on their ‘single person’ bucket list.
3. Find your tribe. At all stages of life, we need to surround ourselves with people who are similar to us, have had similar experiences and are at similar life stages. Make an effort to form connections with some other single people for support and companionship and for fun!
Perhaps most of all, this latest interview with Jolie reminds us that the supernova is actually human. Just last year, she experienced a very confronting surgery – a double mastectomy – after it was revealed she carried the BRCA1 gene. Today, she retains a positive outlook. “With so much in life, you have to focus on how much worse it could be. And I am so happy I don’t have cancer, and I am so happy that I had the surgeries which will hopefully prevent me from getting cancer. If I get it, it will be delayed a few years and chemo will be delayed a few years, and the exchange for that peace of mind is quite good.” At the time of the operation, it was Pitt who praised his wife’s bravery and was a pillar of support to her. Unconfirmed reports are now surfacing the couple may be looking at a reconciliation after divorce proceedings seemingly have been put on hold.
So, what happens if you are in a position like Jolie where you’ve been so badly hurt but the overriding feeling is strangely that you want to stay in the relationship? What happens when your head tells you ‘no’ but your heart whispers, ‘just give it another try? “Feeling guilty in this instance is a waste of energy,” explains Cribb. “Of course you will have mixed emotions, there would have to have been some good in the relationship for you to have been in it in the first place. So, there is no use beating yourself up about yearnings that are entirely natural. The great news is, if the breakup wasn’t long ago, odds are things haven’t changed. If you give it another go and it’s still not right, you’ll be reminded of that pretty quickly! And if things have somehow changed then you’ll be glad you gave it another go. (This is of course is not including situations which are abusive or dangerous).”
Maybe Jolie says it best: “You have to find the ability to live and love and laugh. It may sound like a postcard, but it’s true.” That we know is certain.
