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“Elizabeth, I am hoping to go to Italy on the 8th. [My husband] Francis remains until late September then joins me all of October on Capri. Please begin to think about plans for coming to see us,” – Shirley Hazzard, July 22, 1981.
Shirley Hazzard’s years-long persistence in convincing her friend, Elizabeth Harrower, to visit her in Italy was remarkable. Hazzard, an accomplished Australian writer who had moved to New York City and married well, wanted to thank Harrower – also an Australian writer who was based in London, then Sydney and had a terrible case of writer’s block – for the years of care she had given her ageing mother. At Hazzard and her husband’s expense, the plan was to start in Rome, and then visit Naples and Capri before ending the trip with a visit to New York City.
Across the 40 years they were friends, the pair surprisingly only met six times. In lieu of frequent face-to-face meetings, the writers would exchange letters between continents, correspondence which is now published in Brigitta Olubas and Susan Wyndham’s revelatory new book Hazzard and Harrower: The Letters. The subjects’ collective wit, wisdom and willingness to share their lives with one another (in linguistic turns of phrases that are exclusive to seasoned writers of the time), this series of letters is a vibrant and engaging capture of two Australian women’s experiences in the world in the mid ’60s through to the turn of the century. At its heart, however, it illuminates the complexities of a unique friendship and what happens when it fractures and falls apart.
“Anticipation was part of the enjoyment as Hazzard and Harrower waited for letters to travel from Sydney to New York and Italy, often taking weeks to arrive,” Wyndham tells GRAZIA. “Distance played a role in keeping their friendship alive for 40 years. Having time to read each other’s letters, consider their responses, write at length – or avoid questions – created mutual admiration and intimacy on equal terms, and perhaps an idealised image of the person at the other end.”
After years of excuses, Harrower – a reluctant traveller – did eventually fly to Italy in 1984 to meet Hazzard and her husband, Francis. Upon her arrival, however, it was evident Harrower’s pent-up resentment for her friend was ready to rear its head.
“In person, Hazzard and Harrower felt their differences and irritations that built up over time,” says Wyndham. “Hazzard had come to depend on Harrower to support her ageing mother, Kit… Harrower visited Kit, helped her though mental and physical health crises, organised her pension, hearing aids and glasses, and finally moved her into a nursing home, packed up her home and attended her funeral. But her resentment quietly grew as her more famous friend became critical of Australia, grand in manner, and more demanding.”
“Puzzled and hurt, Hazzard wrote in her diary that Harrower had complained about her room in the luxurious Hassler Hotel having no view, seemed uninterested in their Italian life, and refused to ‘take orders’ when they organised a day’s outings,” continues Wyndham. “Hazzard tended to talk in monologues, and Harrower was a good listener, but she lost patience and stamina.
“She left Italy abruptly, and instead of going on to New York as her friends expected, she went to stay in Paris, and with relatives in Scotland, before flying home.”
Hazzard and Harrower had been writing to one another for 18 years at this point but post-Italy, the friendship sadly never recovered.
“I’ve cared about you both a great deal for years and refuse to be not cared for back because all of a sudden I got worn down and ran out of energy.” – Elizabeth Harrower in a letter to Shirley Hazzard and her husband Francis Steegmuller, 10/11th December 1984.
When It All Falls Apart
Hazzard and Harrower’s relationship is an example of a long-time friendship going awry. At times, these can feel as painful as a romantic breakup, and while some find new footing at arm’s length, others succumb to keeping grudges over past slurs. For the writers, their words – of lack of – bared the fall out.
“Their letters immediately after the trip were polite but curt,” says Wyndham. “They didn’t seem to discuss the problems between them but resumed their correspondence in a cooler tone.”
While lack of proximity was clearly of benefit to this specific friendship – letter writing as a mode of communication is far removed from today’s instantaneous messaging – the feelings of loss and sadness were surely felt by both women in the same way as that of a modern-day friendship.
“Female friendships can fracture for a number of reasons, including a perceived lack of support or reciprocity, broken trust, jealousy, and communication breakdowns,” says Mary Bonich, principal clinical psychologist at The Feel Good Clinic in Sydney’s Surry Hills.
“After the breakdown of a friendship, people may experience grief, sadness, and even feelings of betrayal or rejection,” she continues. “These emotions often stem from the loss of emotional support and intimacy that the friendship provided. As a result, the breakdown of the friendship can leave a significant void.”
Mourning A Friendship
A famous 2009 study from Utrecht University in the Netherlands supported the notion that humans replace half of their friends every seven years. This pruning is normal, healthy and necessary, albeit a turnover that is generally associated with drifting apart – a seven-year-itch, if you will. This is different to the emotional lumber of breaking up with a pal. And when such a fall out has been established, how does one mourn the loss of a great friend? Bonich says the key is time and not rushing to get over how you’re feeling.
“Grieving the loss of a close friend is a deeply personal process,” says Bonich. “Allow yourself to feel the emotions, whether it’s sadness, anger, or even relief, and don’t rush the healing process. It can be helpful to reflect on the positive memories and seek support from other friends or a therapist, until, eventually, you find ways to honour the friendship while also moving forward with your life.”
A Reunion Of Old Pals
As time passes, some of us feel a friendship is, after everything, worth saving. Chalk it up to being lost in the nostalgia of it all or that niggling feeling of how nice it would be to experience life’s pleasures with your friend by your side, new perspectives can arise when something is taken away. Bonich says if you are considering reaching out to an old friend, you need to be certain you can remain calm and not become defensive during the olive-branch meeting.
“When repairing a damaged friendship, approach the situation with openness and vulnerability,” advises Bonich. “It often helps to start by acknowledging any mistakes or misunderstandings on your part and express a genuine desire to rebuild the relationship. It’s also important to listen to the other person’s perspective without getting defensive, as this can then start to create a space for mutual understanding and healing.”
Wyndham knew of the wonderful times Harrower had missed out on during that ill-fated trip to Italy when she joined Hazzard some decades later in Rome, Naples and Capri. Describing Hazzard as a “practised, generous and attentive host,” she recalls the writer’s “encyclopaedic knowledge of history and art” and her knack for leaving notes with Wyndham’s hotel concierge with recommendations for museums, churches and restaurants to visit.
Wyndham also met Harrower many times for afternoon tea at her apartment overlooking Sydney Harbour. By this point, Harrower was in her late eighties and was forever busy on her iPad, sending emails rather than letters, Wyndham recalls.
“Harrower reminisced about her writer friends Patrick White, Christina Stead and others, but rarely mentioned Shirley Hazzard,” she says.
Knowing both women, Wyndham suspects a chance at reconciliation was largely off the cards. To her, the relationship between them had run its course.
“Both Hazzard and Harrower were sensitive to slights and differences, and perhaps overreacted,” she continues. “They should have seen that their friction also reflected other disappointments in their lives – Harrower’s long writer’s block, Hazzard’s conflict with her mother and her love-hate relationship with Australia. They did well to stay in touch for 40 years, even if the vigour of their affection faded.”
The last letter between the pair was in 2008. Hazzard passed away in 2016, aged 85. Harrower passed away in 2020, aged 92.
“Friendships have their own shape and timeline, some of them reaching a natural end,” muses Wyndham. “Sometimes you don’t care and sometimes you just have to let go, no matter how painful.”
